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February 27 One More Step... No More Words...One more step backward... no more words...
No More Words
(One More Step Backward Epic)
(Wednesday the 27th of February 2008)
Bring me the silence of reason,
Nothing left to believe,
All it is,
Nothing more than words,
Sweet words of treason,
Yeah take one more step,
One more step backward,
We look at each other.
All we see is yesterday.
I see you,
Something untold in your smile,
You see me,
Something you've missed all the while,
Yeah we take one more step,
Yeah just one more step backward,
No more words,
No more,
We've come much to far to ever go back,
We've done everything now,
No way forward,
Yeah one more step,
One more step,
Yeah! No more words,
The pains of our reality,
Is all we have of each other now,
We can't hold each other as our own,
We can't be apart,
Stuck with bad memories,
Nothing to show for it now,
Yeah just one more step,
One more step backwards,
What more can be said,
We say what we want,
We know we can't have it,
You don't want to be without,
I don't want to say goodbye,
That same old train wreck now in my head,
Yeah no more words,
No more this time,
Not another step,
Not another step backward,
No more words,
No more,
We've come much to far to ever go back,
We've done everything now,
No way forward,
Yeah one more step,
One more step,
Yeah! No more words,
Yeah! No more,
We've made our choices,
Took our chances,
You want what we can't have,
I want what should never have been broken,
Yeah! No more,
No more words!
No more, no more backward steps! Take good care good people,
Nathan
February 22 When you hit the ground...When you hit the ground...
Hit The Ground
(Friday the 22nd of February 2008)
Yeah it seams to be,
When it all comes falling down,
There's no-one,
No sanctuary to be found,
Yeah it seams to me,
That when there's nothing left,
All there is,
To drown it all,
Yeah! Drown it in sound,
Forget yesterday,
It doesn't mean anything here,
All you've got is nothing,
This is the now,
This warped reality,
Yeah it seams to be,
I get lost in the dark,
No light to find my way home,
Oh, when it all comes falling down,
Yeah! Once more,
I hit the ground!
Yeah! There's no-one to save me,
This road now my own,
Yeah it's all i have,
No lights to guide me,
Oh, when it all comes falling down,
Yeah! Once more,
I hit the ground!
After all the trauma,
All the bad days that've been,
These 15 years i still try and forget,
Yeah you'd think that i'd've come to learn,
Yeah! Hit the ground,
Hit it hard, hit it running,
Yeah! Just keep running!
Yeah it seams to be,
I get lost in the dark,
No light to find my way home,
Oh, when it all comes falling down,
Yeah! Once more,
I hit the ground!
Yeah it seams to me,
All that's left,
Is hitting the ground,
Take good care good people,
Nathan
February 11 From Beginning till End... This is the End, My Goodbye...From the beginning till the end... this is where it all comes to end, my goodbye...
I never truly imagined having to ever say what i am about to... never thought that i'd ever find the words...
Tho i never thought i'd ever find myself where i am today...
Today, Monday the 11th of February 2008... is merely the end of the road...
I have lost so much in the past, more than once i have found myself on the verge of complete ruin, so many times i have had to fight my way back to somewhere other than bottom. There is no more borrowed time to be had anymore, this time, now that everything has truly been left in ruin, i know that there is nothing left worth fighting for...
So many times i've been here, said these words... this will be the last time...
One day i will put my story into words, however for now there is something more important i wish to say...
I have come to have nothing left, i have even come to lose my beautiful daughter Charlotte, i'm no more a father, merely a visitor in her life, the most important person in my world couldn't be any further away from me as she is right now... all the material things in this world mean nothing compared with the love of your child. There is nothing more that i can do, it has been years of fighting just to keep the status-quo and it has torn my heart to shards, the pain is as unfathomable as it is overwhelming...
There is nowhere else to go, there is no more home for me... i've been forced to keep moving, on and on now for so many years that i just want to stop, i'm to tired and old now to fight every step i have to take, i'm to old and tired to start all over again with nothing, believing all the while that it's only a matter of time before i'm doing it all over again... Without home, there is nowhere that is yours, there is nowhere that you feel safe, there is nowhere to let your guard down, forget, forgive or simply hide when it all becomes to much, i've become truly homeless, there is nowhere left for me...
I have truly lost faith, everything i had believed over the past few years has been a lie...
To have everything come apart as i have is overwhelming... i don't even know why...
All i know is, all that i am leaving behind now has been a waste of time, that so many times i have been fooled by the promises, the lies people have held infront of me... that my life till now, has been a lie, for nothing... for all the deceptions that i have blundered into, none more so evil than that of the one person i let closest to me, it has now cost me everything i have even everything i am... I truly believed in the lie i was told so many times, perhaps i needed it so much to be true i was blinded to the reality... all i know, that there never again will be a another so close to this heart of mine...
I have simply become now a slave to the truama in my life, simply passing every day trying to claw back everything i've lost time and time before... there can be no more, there is really no point any more... there is really nothing left to hold onto...
I've run out of time so many times now to make things right, run out of time to let everything pass, now with no more time to borrow, it has merely come time to find some place to finally give up...
I've written so much over the last couple of years, so much is here in my blogg... perhaps one day i'll come back to write the story from the beginning.... then again, maybe i'll just keep on walking...
Tho i will always walk knowing, everytime i have said "i love you" I meant it, evertime i have said "i'm sorry" i meant it, that everytime i said "Goodbye" i meant it, every time i said "you're beautiful" i meant it... i may be no saint, more than my share of lies have passed my lips in my time, i have even tried to inflict as much pain as i felt at times... i have been as evil to others, even those i have loved and cared about the most... sometimes through my carelessness and thoughtlessness i have caused so much hurt that nothing could ever make up for... yet all those beautiful things i have said are true, i meant every word. But to all those i have wronged, you can take some comfort in knowing, i have cerainly paid the higher price, that nothing you could ever do would compare with having everything even your own child taken from you. I can make no true apology for the things i've done, to those i have said sorry to and to those i haven't, i hope one day you'll find it in your hearts to forgive...
There have been so many people that have come to mean alot to me these last few years, they know who they are... To you all, thank you and the very best of wishes for the future...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
February 09 Poem...I guess the only good thing about feeling the way i do these days, is being able to write...
Here is my latest poem, it's the first i've written in some time...
Untitled
(Saturday the 9th of February 2008)
Through the smoke of all this ruin,
No-one hears my call,
My hands reach out,
No-ones to catch my fall,
I've come to nothing,
To be no-one at all,
All that was, everything has gone,
No sense of it all to make,
Feel ill-fated to my bones,
Through the haze, every step i take,
Watch it all burn,
Life, in the darkness it's about to break,
All that be, burning bridges,
Glower in the night,
For it all, all that i am,
Such a wretched sight,
Only the journey to come,
Nothing left to fight,
Amidst the disaster,
This my life's treason,
No need for it all now,
No need for reason,
Only the endless miles now,
Into another blackened season,
For all i've done, my wrongs,
Such a price to pay,
No meaning now, hold my tongue,
There's nothing left to say,
Accept what is to come,
There'll be no brighter day,
No way back, no place to go,
This journey to nowhere,
Nothing to seek, nothing to find,
No vision in my stare,
For when this journey end,
There'll be no-one there,
I've grown to be so weary,
This my losing game,
Walk tall, walk with nothing,
Everything lost, trial by the flame,
All that i have left to cherish,
Is my name,
Burdened by memories old,
Dreams of what was to be,
Mourning in the night,
Lost, a future i'll never see,
Turn to face the black,
Tomorrow for me,
Scatter the ruin to dust, i,
To the fated winds blown,
The miles, stumbling through the dark,
All i've ever known,
This my journey to come, for all, like all past,
I'll walk it alone,
Take good care good people...
Nathan
February 07 Something to say...Something to say...
I have something on my mind, something has a hold of me, i have something, so much to say... just have no idea what it is...
I feel troubled, the winds seam uneasy...
So for now i think i'll just keep it all to myself...
Take care everyone...
Nathan February 02 Saturday...It's Saturday afternoon...
What is everyone upto out there?
I'm just taking it easy after work today, thought i would write an update of sorts... Things at work have been hectic, been a few staff short, so i've had to put in extra hours to keep things moving along. Not so bad, don't mind the work and things are going smoothly atleast. I've come to really enjoy and grow into my job over the last few months, i even think i am doing a half reasonable job of it to...
Things with the gym have stalled, been having some trouble getting there, not that i live out here in One Mile, it's a huge drive home from the gym in Kippa Ring... so i've kinda been slack and lost some of the weight i put on in the first couple of months. It's quite a disapointment, but there is little i can do about it at this point in time... i shall soldier on tho, i'll get there in the end...
The money situation these days is looking grim, but i'm surviving i guess, i have stuk somewhat to a fairly tight budget and it's slwoly paying off, just a real struggle at time, especially if unexpected expenses come along, but in a few more months i'll be ahead of the curve, well i hope so anyway...
As for everything else...
Still working toward having my daughter Charlotte come and stay with me for a couple of nights a week, just slow going there... but it'll work out and i'll get what i want...
Singledom... well, i'm kind of enjoying it, not that i'm out catting around, far from it, i just like the feeling of being free and having just my space, been a long time since i've felt this at ease with things... alwasy a good thing...
Life, well life is ok i guess, it's not going awesome, but i have drowned in my troubles yet so i can only assume it's going ok...
Take it easy everyone...
Nathan
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