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March 27 Into the dust...Into the dust...
"... in the fray a friendship is lost, a dismal end to a once promising romance... in a tirade of insults everything is destroyed... misgivings and wrong doings are fired back and forth till all care has gone... hurt feelings and pride require revenge, shattered trust and broken hearts, a high price to pay for vindication... no walking away no going back. the damage is done, a family into the dust... "
"... How the hurt and hate consumes all once good... no forgiveness for these hearts broken... angry words with hurtfull intentions... no reasoning and no mercy... only revenge is left... "
March 20 This is me... Today...This is me... Today...
What to say? Where to start?
I guess I should start at the begining, in the last few months I have found myself going full circle, I am back where I started from really, tho with more focus and drive to ensure I don't wind up back here again.
Everything is changing, I am looking for a new place to live and a new more rewarding career, I have even put in some serious soul searching time to find more of the ambition to see everything through this time. I have a better idea of what it is I want and where I want to be, so I hope that with some luck and some hard work everything comes together for the better.
Things have been tough, there is no denying that, it isn't easy to tell yourself that it's time to move on and put everything behind you, tho it's a must, you can't make the best of what's to come without making peace with the past. That is where i am now, i want to make the very best of what lays ahead of me, i can see a brighter future on the horizon and i don't want sitting around feeling sorry for myself to ruin it.
I have alot to be happy about, and I look at that more these days, for the first time in a very long time I feel happy about myself, the person I am, the accomplishments I have made over the last couple of years.
So here's to tomorrow...
March 10 Charlotte...Charlotte...
Sitting here today with not alot to do really, bored one could say, laeves time to think about things.
I'd have to say, thinking about my daughter Charlotte and how much she changes week from week amazes me, it seams as tho every time I see her she is a completely new person. It is so amazing, the amount she has changed in the last three weeks alone leaves me stunned, in the last three weeks alone she has managed to becom toilet trained along with gaining an almost complete grasp of the english language, not to mention she is only two!
After everything that has come to pass it fills me with joy that something still manages to fill me with amazement, a good amazement.
Whenever I look at Charlotte or hear her voice I can't help but imagine what it's going to be like when she grows up, I can't help but be excited about watching her grow into the amazing person I know she will be.
March 04 In the ink...In the ink...
Everything tends to look different once it is written down, the fog of your mind is often stripped away leaving only what is often the simple truth.
So here goes, an excersise in the truth...
Looking at myself right now, I am broken, no other way to put it. I've been used, abused, taken advantage of, lied to, heartbroken, mislead, mistaken, forgotten, neglected and a whole lot of other bad things by a whole lot of people. As a result I've bean beaten down, broken down to what and who I am today. I make no apologies to anyone anymore, I don't care anymore, the good person inside, the love, care and everything else I have left to give is for me, my daughter and maybe one day someone who is truly worthy, till then the world can leave me alone.
To everyone who's helped me, shown me the good in people, I give you my sincere thanks and gratitude it has meant alot to me.
There've been some very special people in my life, some that have touched my heart and my life in ways that they may never understand, these very special women (Anne-Marie F, Amy L, Alicia P, Koren R, Shony S, Mandy S, Larni S, Liz S, Amanda T, Nicole C, Paula D & Belinda R) have had in many different ways the greatest impact on my life, not always for the most obvious of reasons either. There have been those that may never know how I felt about them, they've taught me that love sometimes isn't fair. There are those that simply were destined only to be friends, some have become the best friend any one could have. Also, great loves, great lovers, even greater fantasies. Tho all in all they've all been very beautiful people in thier own way, they'll always be remembered fondly and wished well.
Ofcourse I have had other great people in my life, tho those above all in thier own way have had a greater hand in moulding me into, me.
Today as I sit here pondering all that was, that is to be, all I know, that today life bites, tho every time I feel as tho I can't take anymore something else goes wrong and I have not much choice but to suffer it out. So I know things can get worse and probably will, but that's nothing to me anymore, one day in the future the sun has to shine, well I hope...
In the end, life is... March 03 Thinking out loud...Thinking out loud...
As much as things seam to be collapsing around me these days, something inside has turned off, as I really no-longer give a damn one way or the other how things go these days. I sometimes think I've reached my limit of caring about life, it's hard to explain, the hassles and grief in my days doesn't seam to faze me anymore, to me every bad day is just another day.
Today I think I an going to radically alter my life, seeing that it's stalled and is in need of some serious mending, for one, I need to meet new people, secondly, I really need a new career as I am seriously over the one I have right now. Thirdly, I need to find a new place to call home, a nice place where I can be me without any hassles.
I think for far too long I felt trapped and clostrophobic, like I was unable to be me, the real me, not just the one that was for the outside world and the benifit of others.
Nathan
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