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April 26 No way out...Some times... no matter what we wish, what we intend, what we hope, what we plan, dream, even need... things simply leave us with nothing more than memories... and no way out...
Failure... i have failed, failed in life, love, as a human being, as a man... as much more, i have failed the person i once made so happy, failed to keep every promise i once made her... most of all, worst of all... i have failed as a father, i have failed the one person who gives me the greatest joy...
Such a scar of shame and guilt upon my heart... with no way of ever healing it... and no way out...
It's time for me to leave... yet i've nowhere to go... even no way of getting there...
I have come to give up on faith, i have long prayed for one more chance, one more reason to believe, long prayed for a miracle that i know is never coming... perhaps i found out too late... now i just pray that i don't wake up in the morning...
Only so much one can endure...
Now that everything has been torn down, the last i had once looked forward to in my future has gone... maybe now it't time to find my way out...
April 14 To be so compelled...I felt compelled...
I have come to cling to the fragments, all that is left of my once promising life...
Now that everything has been torn, so badly broken...
Those few things that bring a touch of joy so fleeting...
Yet still, only calm the turbulence i feel within for so long...
All that is left, no pride, no dignity...
No future, merely time to pay for past wrong...
Yet still, i clutch close faint memory, all that is to keep me warm, this winter of my trial...
A faint smile for me is all that remains...
I have become separated from all that my heart yearn...
Come to accept the cruelties of my reality...
To cling to those moments of great joy...
Forget all that has come to be...
Yet for every day i may be graced with the joy of my child's smile...
There shall be many more without...
A price so great to bare...
No joy could overcome the burdon of this loss upon my heart...
I have come to understand defeat, destruction of hope...
True meaning of so many tears...
Of love...
What it means to feel...
To be right, to be wrong...
The truth is all that is left of me now...
Broken i have become...
I have become my own, i alone has come to be, i alone...
April 05 Something so very beautiful...Something so very beautiful...
Is there any more a beautiful sight than a sleeping child? I don't think so...
Tonight for the first time is so very long i had the joy of tucking my daughter into bed... for the first time in an even longer time i got to be dad...
Words could never express how that feels, just how much it means to me...
Take good care people...
Nathan The ugly and the strange... the things we learn...The ugly and the strange... the things we learn...
During this confronting time i have been through of late i have come to not only bring an end to some old bad habits i've even had the unfortunate chance to work on some i never realised i had...
In this time of perhaps my greatest trial so far over the years it does bring me some joy knowing that even tho it is far to late to undo the damage i've done breaking the shackles of my addictions has made it easier to begin to perhaps mend some fences and see the beautiful things i've long missed.
I know what i feel deep within my heart will never fade and i know i will always miss someone so very much... even tho they're just a phone call away. I know i can never have back what was once the promise of everything i had long dreamed of, however i do know that i can still do my best to keep those most important to me happy and in the end that's all that really matters.
This trial for me isn't over, there is a long way to go...
Take good care people...
Nathan |
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