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April 28 To be so cruel...To be so cruel...
I have come to a point where i can nolonger remain selfless...
I have come to the point where i can nolonger allow myself to gesture in good will toward another in a manner that i know will not be reciprocated...
I have come to give only what i know i will get in return...
I have begun to silently make my demands...
I have become...
To me it is a matter of principle, a matter of time, it was only a matter of time before i began to put some of the pieces of my life, of myself back together. With every passing day i get one step closer to getting to where i wish to be, for me it has a confused journey in circles at times, however, i believe i am starting to find a path out of the wilderness. This has only become possible through a slow process of convincing myself that i indeed am important, important even to me. I have along the way began giving some importance to various things in my life and things within me, giving them not only porpose but a sense of worth.
There has been a real conssequence to this, the way i have come treat other people has evolved to a new plane, after a life-time of giving of self for the sake of being selfless, giving to give purpose to the emptiness i felt in return, giving in the hope that it give some meaning, some sense of noble purpose to the darkness and sorrow that so often engulfed my world, life and self. After the life-time i have endured i have begun to refuse, to deny, to keep what i have to give, to value my own happiness, to ensure i give to myself, to give to others only what they're willing to give in turn. I once wrote of this a long time ago now, to me it is now a relief to see that progress made, to see that i have renained on course regargless of the circumstances surrounding my life.
I have begun to see the world, my life and the people in it in a completely new light, i have begun to alter the relationships i have with them, begun laying new foundations for new relationships to built upon, a new foundation stone for all relationships i have to be renewed.
This rebuilding has been a slow process, things have evolved slowly, however, i feel that i have found the path i need to take within my life and within myself to not only achieve my ambitions but also give back to myself the person i was meant to be, not the person i once was.
To me it indeed feels rather calculated and manipulative at times, to be so cold and measured toward the people in my life, to go so far as to deny my time, eneergy and affections to someone as those things couldn't or wouldn't be reciprocated does feel cruel. However, i can not say that i feel any remorse, i have endured trials in my life-time that have taken a heavy toll on my heart, body and soul, it is simply time now to make it all mean something, to make it all for something. To be so cruel, as indeed it may be, is merely the ony way i can be.
So much damage has been done over the years, i know that there is so much that can never be made right again, not only in circumstance but with me as well, there are things that simply always be as they are now as a result of all that has past.
I want to say that i will never trust again, however, there is someone i do trust, a friend who has become a brother, all others in my life however will never attain that level of faith as i have come to live guarded, my heart, my soul are now mine, no-one shall hold them again. I love, love truly, however, i still feel such a deep hurt that no love could ever undo and for as long as that hurt remains no-one shall stand so close as to bring me tears. This has become the truth of me, today, i belong to me...
Be safe, take care,
Nathan |
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