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May 30 Life, Reality and other such Mistakes...Life, Reality and other such Mistakes... is just how it feels around these parts these days...
Seams i work only to just survive... seams i am just surviving only to work...
On every Saturday or Sunday i get to be dad to the most amazing little girl... on every other day... all i can do is miss her...
The price i get to pay for not learning from past mistakes...
Not many people around here now to care about it all now... it's just me, some old friends and relative or two... everyone else has gone...
The last person got her push... perhaps at a time when all i needed to do was change her mind... but then again, we all get tired of trying... especially when we shouldn't have to... and now all i can do is miss her too...
And sometimes... we all have to be true to our word...
The reality was... it was a mistake either way... made worse by going about it all the wrong way...
Life however... must go on... i'm sure no-one else out there is too concerned with what happens to mine... so maybe i should be... tho, i'm just too tired and old feeling to be bothered fighting just to keep drowning just that little bit slower...
My only hope... is that there is some better times somewhere over the horizon... or at the least, some reason to smile...
Reality is... that it all doesn't really matter... because it only matters to me anyhow... but life can certainly be a hard place to be when every mistake you make goes unforgiven and comes back time and time again to bite you...
On that tho... i am going back to bed...
Take good care good people...
Nathan May 28 My Birthday today...Today was my Birthday... today i turned 28 years old...
Today... it's just one of those things...
Just sitting here celebrating by myself... got my old 'flanno' on, some good coffee and some of my favourite music...
Sitting here thinking, reflecting on another year over and done with...
Thinking about the year that's gone...
Contemplating my fate...
Trying to hold myself together...
I wish i could say something more...
However... i think it best if i just say... if i don't make it to my next Birthday it'll be God's only mercey and Satan is more than welcome to what's left of my soul... i don't want to be me anymore... i don't want to be here anymore... i don't want this life anymore... i don't want to feel anymore... i don't want anything anymore...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
The Song...Today i was walking around trying to remember the song i was thinking yesterday before it all melted down...
I just couldn't remember it... all i could remember was that it was somewhat a sad love song like only i can write really...
So i thought to myself maybe i should try and write another one... to make up for what was said yesterday... i don't know if it's any good, or that it'll even make sense... but i think i have to try...
When i Reminisce
(Love Song Epic)
(Wednesday the 28th of May 2008) Part I
In the cool of this Autumn evening...
I find myself...
Slowly getting old...
Slowly growing cold...
Lost in some old sound...
All those fading memories...
Somwhere a smile to be found...
It has been so long...
So much to remember...
So much more we try to forget...
So many reasons now to regret...
You'll never want to hear my new song...
But i know i'll always keep a memory of you...
In my heart where you'll always belong...
In the cool of this Autumn evening...
Lost in some old memory...
Yeah... the way you wear your hair...
Yeah... your smile...
It comes to me...
When it's you i've come to miss...
In these moments i reminisce...
Yeah... for all the good times...
For all of the bad...
The ugliness and the pain...
In the moments when i remember...
The tears they fall like rain...
For all i have from that black yesterday...
Your smile i'll treasure forever...
With an old ache in my heart...
With tiredness in my bones...
I try not to think of all those same old reasons...
Now that we're now so far apart...
Drifting with those old memories...
Searching for a peace in my mind...
Beautiful pictures of you is all i have come to find...
In the cool of this Autumn evening...
Lost in some old memory...
Yeah... the way you wear your hair...
Yeah... your smile...
It comes to me...
When it's you i've come to miss...
In these moments i reminisce...
In these moments when i come to reminisce...
Yeah... your smile...
Everything about you i come to miss...
Yeah... in the moments i reminisce...
Through my heart it flows...
Yeah... i come to dream of your kiss... In these quiet moments where i come to reminisce...
Part II
Oh... how i've come to remember...
Someone so very beautiful...
Oh... an angel to me...
Oh... how i've come to remember...
Yeah... a love promised forever...
Oh... how i've come to remember...
Those things so very beautiful...
Everything i have come to miss in you...
Oh... how i've come to remember...
Yeah... my heart promised yours forever...
Yeah... how i've come to remember...
Yeah... in these moments where i reminisce...
Yeah... how i've come to remember...
Those eyes so beautiful blue...
Oh... those eyes so beautiful blue...
How i've come to rememeber...
A kiss,
A smile,
A touch,
A love i'll always treasure...
Yeah... how i've come to remember...
Yeah... in these moments i reminisce...
Part III
Oh... on this Autumn evening...
Yeah... you're now so very far away...
Further and further every day...
With all these memories...
So many things i want to say...
Yeah... if only there was another way...
With every smile that i remember...
With everything that i have come to treasure...
Yeah... you i truly miss...
Oh... the warmth of your kiss...
Longing for your touch...
But i know i hurt you far too much...
With all the things i've come to see...
So much i've come to forget...
Every day without you is another regret...
There is so much i want you to know...
Oh... so much love i wish to show...
Yeah... but all i gave were reasons to go...
With every moment i reminisce...
I wish there was more...
Just one more day...
For all of things i never got to say...
How much i truly love you...
Yeah... how much i truly care...
Oh... with every wish i make...
I miss you...
With every step i take...
Yeah... but i know you're never coming home...
And i'll be left love...
Missing only you...
Yeah... in these moments i reminisce...
I have come to remember someone so beautiful...
An angel to me...
Oh... all i can do is remember...
A promise to love forever...
Yeah... a promise to love forever...
In these momentes i've come to reminisce...
Hope everyone likes the song...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
May 27 An open aplogy...An open apology...
Tonight, i let everything get the better of me... i let everything that is going wrong in my life boil over... tonight all of my angst, frustration, stress and anger exploded... at the wrong person...
I feel gutted... i am truly so very sorry...
This morning i woke up with a song about this person in my head and in my heart... yet it all ended with an outburst of uglyness that is nothing short of shamefull and truly unforgivable...
Unfortunately in the great struggle, me versus life, i'm losing... and losing big and it seams those who deserve it least are baring the brunt...
For that... i hope you can accept my apology...
Everything right now is going bad... everything i do seams to be making it worse... it's crushing me... i'm lashing out and all it's doing is driving the people i most want around me away...
No apology could ever make up for it... that's the sad part...
It's getting to be that even if i make it through this... the people i'd love to see at the other side won't be anywhere to be found and i've only myself to blame...
To the one person who has been through the worst of my nature... i am so very sorry... there is little more i can say...
Again i'd like to take the time to say... that for all of the pain, hurt and sadness i've cause you, i am now and i will always be truly and deeply sorry...
Take good care good people... May 25 So here i am...So here i am...
Continuing on from my previous entry about the strange situations i find myself in... i thought i'd say something about the most serious sistuation that i have found myself in...
I'm broke, worse than broke actually... even tho i am working full time i am still going backward faster and faster... the basic costs of living have now far outstripped my capacity to earn...
I am caught in what i call... the big squeeze...
My car payments now consume half my wage... fuel to get myself to work and back, fuel to see my daughter on Sunday can take up to two thirds of what's left and child support if i paid it would take what's left...
So basically, i can't even afford to eat these days... some days i simply can't... that's the reality of the situation i find myself in... if it wasn't for the fact that the house i live in is owned by a relative i'd be homeless as i simply couldn't afford to rent anywhere...
If it wasn't for some acts of true kindness and generosity from my family and friends i'd have literally nothing...
Adding to all of this, there is the money i now owe to my credit card, there is the money i owe in child support... the money i owe the bank for overdrawing my account... phone bills... the list goes on... the big problem with that being... that every week or month that those bills aren't paid and those debts are left outstanding the amount i owe grows... fees and interest...
So to say the least... the stress of it all is getting to me...
The depressing thing is... for all of the struggle over the past couple of years there is nothing to show for it... i don't own anything more today than i did back then...
So right now i have not a clue what i am going to do... from where i sit, there is not a hope in hell chance of earning enough money doing what i do every week to ever pay my way out of this situation, i dare say i doubt very much i could even earn enough doing what i do every week just to survive...
So what do i do?
I had resolved some time ago to admit my defeat and declare myself bankrupt... however the moment i suggested it to my family it was shouted down... no-one thought the stigma was worth it... easy for them to say i guess... they're not the ones who have to live it day in day out... So right now i am trying to find my options here... tho i am looking at situation where even the best outcome i could hope for is still pretty grim...
All i know is, something will change... to me, i don't care much for a stigma, i'd just like to be able to breath and relax and enjoy the things in life that matter... like my awesome daughter Charlotte... instead of worrying about what i am going to feed her when she comes over to visit or how i am going to pay for fuel to pick her up and drop her home... allready in the past few weeks i haven't been able to see her simply because i couldn't afford to buy food for her to eat when she came over...
I don't think i would have to tell anyone just how shamefull and depressing that is... i am sure everyone could imagine for themselves...
I was hoping things would get better in time... however... i am losing sight of that better day every week that goes buy and my cost of living goes up...
So i am certainly caught in the worst of places right now... with very little in the way of hope...
So i will leave with... I won't stop trying... i'll get it right in the end... that's all i can do...
Take good care good people...
Nathan May 24 Strange situations...Been having a long converstion with myself in my journal of late about the state of my life as my current journey of self-improvement passes day 101...
Have been going over all of the various strange situations i've found myself in from time to time...
I have been trying to deal with a particularly uncomfortable situation with someone normally quite close to me, someone who has dominated the last few years of my life. This person wanted something i simply couldn't give, it's a shame, however i couldn't ignore the reality of it all either, i think there comes a time with everything that you have to decide, right or wrong, doesn't matter, you just have to decide and live with it, that's what i feel i did. I am sure that i could've handles it better or done it differently although every attempt previous didn't work so this time had to be something extraordinary...
Some would argue that i have made a rather big deal out of a rather minor issue, however the issue to me was something quite meaningfull... friendship to me means something... and i simply couldn't accept a one-way friendship where i was the only one giving to make it all work... in the end i could nolonger allow myself to be the one getting hurt just to make the other person happy... to me that is what they were asking... they were asking me to put my feelings aside and to give without it being reciprocated in any way... it was something i couldn't allow myself to do into the future...
I don't know what more i could've done, this person was certainly bent on doing everything possible to get over me... to make it easier to for her to leg go of the feelings they had for me... in the end this person was trying to stop themself from loving me or wanting me... trying to make it easier on themselves to be without me... to me i simply decided if that's the way it was going to be then so be it... i devided that it was best to put an end to it here and now, rather later at my hearts expense...
There is more to it than that... the moment that this person rejected me was truly humiliating, to then have them try and explian it, to make their intentions clear to me, only made the cut even deeper... i don't think anything could ever make me feel as so ugly, humiliated or heartbroken as someone saying that the feelings in their heart are as mine are, that they love me as i love them but want to be free of me, that they want to be over me, that they want to not want me...
That is why to me the whole situation had to come to an end... if that is what this person truly wanted then that is how it will be...
I want and deserve to love and be loved in return... as we all do... to have someone say those things to me rates as the greatest of insults... the greatest act of rejection anyone could ever inflict upon another person...
I am sure that the other person sees the whole thing differently, that they see themselves as being right... i am not here to plead my case, merely to tell my side of the story... and i can only hope that after so long that this is truly the last chapter... i think it's about time that for better or worse we both stop hurting eachother... this is unfortunately the only way it is ever going to happen...
Sad thing about it all... the other person really doesn't care... i doubt ver much that they've paid it all much thought... perhaps they're simply truly joyed to be finally rid of me... if that is their wish... then i wish them well...
To me it speaks volumes of their charector, something that has always been an undercurrent throughout this whole sorry saga... the total lack of impact i have with this person, the total lack of thought and caring this person has displayed toward me over the years... i find it a matter of intrigue as to why it has taken so long just to get here... i find it a mystery why everything has taeken so long to finally play itself out...
However, it all matters to me, how i feel and how i am treated matters to me... the whole situation perhaps may not have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that i felt i was made to look foolish... that i was made to feel humiliated... that i was made to feel like a mere pawn in someone elses grand plan... that in the end i was made to feel like i was merely singing to someone elses tune... been taken for granted, being used for someone elses benifit...
That's perhaps the saddest thing about the ending... this is how it ends... not on a happier note... but with me feeling like i was wronged and the other simply walking away without a care... like the bad old days...
I have only one hope... that is that this is the last strange situation that i find myself in... that from here it does get truly better...
For the most part i shall continue with my journey and try better every day to make some real headway into the problems i face... to really make right my life... to once and for all make a life where it's for me...
The strange thing that has happened during this strange situation is that my outlook has changed... how i feel has changed... i nolonger feel crushed by everything... i perhaps have finally learnt to guide myself with my head and not my heart... perhaps i have somewhat sadly lost some faith in my own heart... in the end... perhaps it's for the best... if love can't make you happy... if your love can nolone make someone who loves you happy... then maybe it's time to find something or somewhere else where happiness is...
Take great care everyone... Nathan May 22 A new song... it says what i was trying to say...It has been a while, and there was something i was trying to say, so i thought i'd try and put it into a song...
Strange Goodbye's
(Thursday the 22nd of May 2008)
Hey baby... don't you worry...
There'll be a day...
When all there'll be... is tomorrow...
Yeah... i hope you hear me honey...
There'll be a day...
When all you'll do... is smile...
And everything you ever wanted will be yours...
Yeah... after these strange goodbye's...
Hey baby... don't you ever feel sad...
You've done enough of that...
More than even i could say...
Yeah... i hope you feel it one day honey...
That touch of magic...
Yeah... you'll know...
Yeah... after these strange goodbye's
Hey baby... i hope you'll understand...
I never wanted this day to come...
No i never wanted to walk away...
It's... just better this way...
Yeah... wish there was a better way honey...
But... all i tried to do was love you...
All you ever got was the pain...
All i'm trying to do here is... try and stop the rain...
Yeah... these my strange goodbye's
When i can't say the words...
Yeah... when all that's left is to push you away...
Hey baby... it'll be over one day i swear...
It'll be like i was... all those bad things were never there...
Yeah... you'll forget...
I'll fade away...
Yeah... don't look back now honey...
You've got all the reasons to keep on going...
Yeah... with my strange goodbye's
When i couldn't find the right words...
When all i could do was throw you away...
Yeah... these my strange goodbye's...
Hope it's a better song than usual... it's shorter for a start...
Take good care everyone... Nathan May 20 Looking forward...I thought it time to write something that's looking forward...
About what lays ahead...
The long road out of here... Along much of the journey i have been taking of late, i have tried my best to move forward with my life and to make changes that would make me a better person... i thought i had come a long way... i was wrong...
I have spent some time reading and deleting old entries... trying to come to terms with how wrong i have been... Looking at the 100 day mark and all i can see is how much i have gone backward of late... as much as i have become strong enough to do what is right for me... i have yet to find the inner strength to let go of hurt and anger i have been feeding off... to me, after so lon, it has become the only thing that i believe in, it has become the only truth... Even after so long trying to overcome the things that i see that have shaped my life... deep inside there is such an overwhelming tempest... where all the pain, hurt and anger i've felt collides with a love so deep and true it once brough such beautiful joy and a need to feel it returned, the need to feel loved...
It's tearing me apart...
From what i see in the mirror now, someone so bitter and twisted that he can't see the great beauty right in front of him, see and the warmth in someone's smile... to feel a stranger to everyone... to the person i once was... someone who did truly care, someone who did all that he coudl to bring something beautiful to the people he loved, someone who felt real joy in making people smile...
I once felt a majic... there was a feeling i got whenever i would open my heart, whenever i would put ink to paper and write, whenever i saw a cerain someone's smile or felt her kiss, het touch... i felt a majic just being inlove... everything about her would send a rush through me...
I once held onto the belief in love, in the majic it brung, i once beleved that love would bring me the greatest of joys... in a way it has, i have the most amazing little girl who calls me Dad... but love... has left me in an empty world... where even love seams a lie to me...
Love has left me in a world where i can nolonger bring something beautiful to the oe person i will always love... it has left me so cold to her... so hurtfull it drives her away... when all i want is for her to be here in my arms... to once more feel that majic that we used to share...
A strange flow of fate runs through my life... where every woman who has ever held the affections of my heart has met the man of their dreams shortly after parting ways with me... if i were making it up it would be something fanciful, however i'm not... so it's a strange reality that i live with...
These days i sometimes wish that a certain someone would find the man of her dreams... then all this hurting, anger and pain will finally fade away... she will be happy, she will love and be loved... i could let my broken heart heal... have some hope for a brighter day were i too may love and be loved again...
The truth... even after all of the awefull things i believe this person has done to me... even after all of the hurt... even after all of the things i sometimes say i see in her... no-ones smile stops my heart like hers does... no-one elses touch leaves me breathless like hers does, her kiss still feels like heaven... to be in her arms is to be home... to see the love in her eyes melts the world away... i am free...
I have given every wish i have made since the moment i first saw her standing there all dressed in blue to be with her... even today i would make the same wish... even today i would still give away every day here-after if i could just feel her love tonight...
The truth... the pain of having her so far away has caused me to do everything possible to keep her away... with the hope that one day the pain will stop... and then i could just get on with misisng her and wishing her well...
Now that i have managed to drive her away... i can be alone in my pain with only myself to blame... i will nolonger have someone i love to take it out on... it's for the best this way...
I can leave and start again... she can be free to smile... free to start again too...
I couldn't have ever imagined evr finding someone so beautiful... the moment i did all i could do was be ugly...
I truly am sorry...
The truth about me... is that, i am not a nice person, i have done some truly wicked things in my time, none more wicked than those things i have done to make that certain someone turn her back on me... As they say hind-sight is always 20/20... still, looking back i just can't explain or reason why...
I am sure there were many reasons for everything, they're just lost now to everything that has happened since... no point saying, if only i could turn back time... it still wouldn't make things right...
For the past four years someone so strong and beautiful has dominated my life, my heart and soul... i really don't know what i am going to do without her influence... i guess i am about to find out...
I don't know if she'll understand... there has to come a time where it stops... where if all you're hanging onto is what has happened, seeing only what was all the while ignoring the joy in the here and now too scared to see what could happen... then it's time to leave it be... i'm sure there were better ways to go about it all... however i have tried those too... we were both too stubborn to really let go in such a way... this way it's simply decided... if we can nolonger hold each other as our own, if we can not love openly, then all that is left... is to stay apart... Hurt someone enough... they won't come back... as evil as that is, i can only hope that this time we find our happiness... I can only have hope that when my journey ends it won't all have been for nothing...
I hope that i will have finally clawed my way out of the hole that i am in... i can only hope that i can see a brighter tomorrow... I will always have some hope that in the future another angel will come and show me all those things that were once beautiful to me... i hope that one day an angel once more lets me feel the real majic love can bring...
I also hope that... i can be a much stronger, more beautiful person, someone who deserves it...
Take good care everyone...
Nathan May 17 What it means to be free...The momentum of recent times has finally brought a new dawn... a new era... a new chapter, in a new book...
Breaking the shackles of the past has not been easy... however...
Last night... many pieces of the puzzle made themselves clear...
Tonight... is where the past ends... where i begin...
Tonight... is when i get to be strong... when i get to make my demands...
Tonight... is the time i get to fight for what i want... for the happiness i deserve...
However... perhaps i should start at the beginning... just over 90 days ago i set myself a challenge... to become a new man, break free of who i was... tonight, i can say i am finally winning...
The last 90 days have shown me many things... the stark truth of my reality... the great irony of my life...
I have done all that i can to be a true honest man, to do what was truly the right thing to do... the struggle for that truth has been hard... however, the peace it has brought has been worth the effort...
I have lived my life by my heart... i have lived guided by the light of love... followed with total faith it's direction... i have let those who seek to touch my heart do so without reservation... i have loved most truly, without condition or doubt... i have given with all of my heart... given great love, great joy... even when it was only sorrow i got in return...
For all of this, for all i have endured... this is where the past ends... where i begin...
From tonight... i demand... to be loved as i love... to be given to as i give... to be as an equal, to have my feelings cared for and respected, to have my wants and needs fulfilled as i have done for all those that have come to take this journey with me...
As of this night... i demand to be free...
As of this night... i will be free...
All those who can not accept me for the man that i am... who keep their distance, who hold their love from me... shall be forgotten along the way...
As of this night... i am free...
Nathan
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