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June 22 Am i just confused?Why is it the moment you think you know what you're doing and where you're going... something seams to come along and turn everything up-side-down?
I ask myself if anything could change the direction i'm headed?
I tell myself... that my destination hasn't changed... that nothing has changed... that all i've found is a reason to smile while everything falls apart...
I ask myself... why now? Why not a month ago? Why add more bricks to the wall before you finally realise you don't want that wall to be there?
I tell myself... that was al yesterday and it doesn't matter now... i know that it's true...
Just doesn't make it any easier to carry those bricks is all...
I tell myself... that no matter what the plan hasn't changed... it's too late to change it now...
Then i tell myself... it doesn't have to change, it's just so nice to be smiling again...
I just don't know what to think... the past three months have been such a disturbed time i just don't know what to make of the here and now... perhaps i am just confused?
I know i don't want it to stop whatever it is... something is new, something feels so right i can't explain it...
On that... take good care good peple...
Nathan June 12 Strength... standing by one's convictions...I have descovered that there is a new momentum in my life... welling from the strength i've found to stand by my convictions, the strength i've found to make my word count for something... to simply stand up for myself and say enough is enough... the strength i've found to do the right thing... the strength i've found to reach for what seamed only a few weeks ago the impossible...
Tomorrow... will be my last day at my current job... after some years now of doing the same thing i've decided that it's time to try something else...
I'm going to study, hopefully one day become an automotive-engineer, something that i've always wanted to do...
However the most important thing is to find a new job come Monday... something more casual and less full time demanding... hopefully it won't take as long this time as it did last time to get another job... i guess we will see...
Going to finally sort out my life... once and for all...
Right now... the squeeze may still be on... but i know one day i will break free... and that day is soon... that day is what i'm holding onto these days more than most things... For now, i have my amazing little Munchkin, my music, my friends, my tea and coffee... what else do i need really?
Take good care good people... Nathan June 11 As it comes... As i go... (keep on walking)I sat down to write something... but as luck would have it... it the right words just wouldn't come to me... and i promised myself i wouldn't write about her anymore...
But... it's so hard... i have something to say... So... i thought maybe another song... so here it is... As it comes... As i go...
(Keep on Walking Epic) (Wednesday the 11th of June 2008)
Sitting here with a moment to think, Yeah... Today was another one of those days,
Another day i'd like to forget,
But as they say,
Take every day,
As it comes... as i go...
Yeah... just keep on walking,
Sitting here with a spare moment to think,
Another night here alone,
An empty bed,
Yeah... an empty home,
But as they always seam to say,
No you can't,
Can't change yesterday,
Sitting here,
My music for company,
Only myself to care,
Think of all the times we've seen,
Of all the ways things should've been,
Yeah... all those nasty words i didn't mean,
But as they always seam to say,
No you can't,
Can't change yesterday,
Sitting here with a moment to think,
Yeah... Today was another one of those days,
Another day i'd like to forget,
But as they say,
Take every day,
As it comes... as i go...
Yeah... just keep on walking, Sitting here taking a moment to think,
I let myself wonder,
Wonder if you're there,
Yeah... wonder if you care,
I know it doesn't matter much to you anymore,
Yeah... something i'll be sure to remember,
When i come to walk out the door,
Yeah! I'm sitting here writing what i think,
Tell myself,
Stand your ground,
Don't look back,
She crossed that line,
Yeah! She don't care anymore anyhow,
Yeah! Just keep walking,
Yeah! Sitting here telling myself the truth,
No... you don't need to care anymore,
Yeah! She turned her back and walked away,
No... you don't need to be here anymore,
Yeah! Now her heart turned cold,
No... you don't need to love anymore,
Yeah! Now that someone else' clothes litter her bedroom floor!
Yeah! Just keep walking!
Cause no you can't change,
No you can't change yesterday!
Yeah! I'm sitting here with all my reasons,
All my reasons to leave,
My reasons to believe!
Yeah! There's somewhere calling me,
Somewhere there's a love for me,
A love that's just for me!
Yeah! Cause no you can't,
Can't change yesterday,
After all the lies,
Broken promises,
Broken hearts,
And other people's beds,
Not there ain't much left,
No... nothing left to say,
Yeah! Just keep on walking,
Keep on walking,
Let it go,
Let it fade away,
Just keep walking away!
Sitting here with a moment to think,
Yeah... Today was another one of those days,
Another day i'd like to forget,
But as they say,
Take every day,
As it comes... as i go...
Yeah... just keep on walking,
Sitting here in a quiet moment to think,
Something on my mind,
Something i needed to say,
Yeah... wishing there was a better way,
Yeah! But this way doesn't seam to hurt you!
So i guess it's better! Yeah! Better that it stays this way! Yeah! You had so much energy for resisting me,
Yeah! Took so much joy in rejecting me,
Yeah! Fought to only stop loving me,
Yeah! I'd be kidding myself to think,
To think of you ever missing me! Yeah! Just keep on walking! Let her have yesterday, Yeah! It's just the way,
Just what she wanted!
Yeah! Just keep walking! Find yourself, Find yourself someone who'll love,
Find yourself,
Find yourself someone who'll hold,
Yeah... find youself,
Yeah... find yourself someone who'll take the time to care,
Someone who'll always be there,
Yeah! Someone who'll be there for you!
Yeah! Just keep walking! Sitting here with a moment to think, Yeah... Today was another one of those days,
Another day i'd like to forget,
But as they say,
Take every day,
As it comes... as i go...
Yeah... just keep on walking, Yeah! Sitting here with a moment to think,
Today was another one of those days,
Another day i'd like to forget!
Yeah! But as they say,
Take every day,
Yeah! As it comes... as i go...
Take every day,
Yeah! Step by step!
Yeah... just keep on walking! Hope everyone likes my new song...
Take good care good people...
Nathan June 09 The Last Chance Inn... (New Song)I felt a new song coming on...
So here it is, it's called "The Last Chance Inn"
Anyone who knows me knows that i have a penchant for 80's power rock and heavy metal... so you've been warned...
"The Last Chance Inn"
(Monday the 9th of June 2008)
No i never wanted to be here,
Be back here again,
No i never wanted to ever need to,
Be back at the begining,
To have to start all over again,
Too old a man these days,
To be shuffling along,
That same old highway,
That same old highway to nowhere,
Yeah! Buy me a new pair of boots,
And pay the bill for my room,
Here at The Last Chance Inn,
Yeah! Tip my hat to the innkeeper,
Yeah! As i'm headed for the door!
Oh! Say goodbye to,
The Last Chance Inn!
No i never thought i'd have to leave,
Time is all,
And now it's time,
No i never thought i'd ever find a reason to go,
But i got no reason to stay,
Too much a younger man these days,
To be stuck here,
To be stuck here standing still,
Yeah! These old man's bones,
Ache for the highway,
Oh! This younger man's heart,
It ache for that highway too,
Yeah! That highway headed home!
Yeah! Buy me a new pair of boots,
And pay the bill for my room,
Here at The Last Chance Inn,
Yeah! Tip my hat to the innkeeper,
Yeah! As i'm headed for the door!
Oh! Say goodbye to,
The Last Chance Inn!
Too much an old man these days,
To be wasting time,
Wasting time on those same old promises,
Yeah! Too damn old to care just where i'm going!
Too much a younger man these days,
To be wasting love,
Wasting love on a world tht just doesn't care,
Yeah! Too damn young to need to be here!
Yeah! Got me a new pair of boots,
Time to kick up dust with my heals,
Move along,
Make my own way,
Leave nothing but memories,
Whatever they be,
Wherever they lay,
Yeah! I've paid the bill for my room,
Here at The Last Chance Inn,
Yeah! I've done my time in hell,
Now it's just time to leave,
Yeah! Tip my hat to the innkeeper,
Yeah! As i'm headed for the door!
Oh! It's time to say goodbye, Time to say goodbye now,
Yeah! To The Last Chance Inn!
Hope everyone likes my new song...
On that...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
The first steps... (the countdown has begun)The first steps along my new road have now been made... the countdown has finally begun...
That one last bridge has finally been well and truly burnt... from both ends...
Working on getting a new phone number as soon as possible... allready looking for a new place within my price range, i have even begun looking for a new job...
The only way i am headed these days is where i want to be... it's quite a nice feeling...
There is still such a long way to go... but it's still quite something to me to finally start moving in the right direction for a change...
On that...
Take good care good people...
Nathan June 07 When there is nothing left to do...When there is nothing left to do...
For all of the things i've said... for everything that has fallen on deaf ears... for all that has been these past four years... for where i am now... the events of my life are now moving under their own momentum and there is no stopping them now... there is nothing more that i can do... it's now getting to late to try and make sense of everything that has happened... it's now getting far too late to try and make it right...
I can only try to come to terms with the way things are going to be...
I still look forward to a better tomorrow... that doesn't make the day to day any easier to bare... it doesn't make all of my troubles fade away... only makes dealing with them all the more urgent...
I don't expect anyone to understand or truly comprehend what i am going through these days or what is about to happen to my life... i won't even try to explain the rationale behind it... only, that my intention is good... that the place i wish to be is in my mind... that i have some faith that in the end it'll al turn out how i need it too...
All i can say is... that i woke up one morning and realized that no-one is going to get me out of here but me... one morning i woke up and realized that it was about time that i mattered, that i got to have what i want, that it was time that i started making my own way to where i wanted to be...
After many years waking up and disliking the place i was, the person i was... one morning i woke up and looked at myself in the mirror... i said to myself... "i don't like you, you don't like me... if that's the way it's got to be, well that's the way it's got to be... but we are all we've got, so let's just get on with it and get the hell out of here... too old and tired to be living wishing for something that isn't ever going to happen, time we made a stand... held our ground and just kept going..."
That was the begining of the end of everything that is or has become my life today...
It's a bizzar moment one can have... to stare at yourself in the mirror and just have a complete watershed moment, a moment where everything comes to you, where you get that glimpse of what's missing, of what it is you seek...
For me it was once the dream that almost became my reality... but as fate would have it, that dream now lays broken... as life would have it... it's just too far away now...
Now... i dream... of a place where i get to be at peace, where there is no reminder of the wrong things i've done, of the failure i've made of my life... a place where i get to feel... home...
That's all i want... to live my life in peace where i can be home... where i can just simply enjoy the wonders of being a father to the most amazing little girl...
That's all i want and i don't think that it's too much to ask...
Ofcourse i have my aprehensions... all of my other dreams have turned to nighmares with astonishing regularity... i can only hope that this time by not asking for too much i might just be spared doom...
Sometimes... all we can do is make the best of a bad situation, as much as it plays on me now, i know that i have to make the best of this bad situatin before i get to have that place i want in my life... there is still much to be done before it all comes to fuition... these are indeed trying times... but i have been through those before... so i know i can weather this storm and make it through to the other side and get to where i want to be...
I hope...
That's all i can do... that's all i can feel... hope...
On that...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
Quiet Saturday morning reflections...Sitting here thinking... about this and that, life... what it is i am doing these days...
I have come to the train of thought, that the best thing about where i am these days is the road out of the place...
I mean that in the actual and metaphorical sense... it's come to that point where everything is not only changing, it hasn't any choice anymore, it's both a good thing and a bad thing... as it could all go very good or very bad and i don't know which will be which right now...
It's been a long and trying few weeks, there has been a lot going on and allready a lot has allready changed...
Been searching for ways out of this place i am in, trying to find that start of that road out of here... in the actual sense, i know where that road is, it's only a matter of at this time i have no where to get to... in the metaphorical sense... i know where i want to be, just unclear on the road to get there... i know everything will come together in the coming weeks and i'll be able to make a whole new begining, that is something i hang on to when the days seam to drag on by...
Doing my best these days to keep a positive frame of mind... slowly unravelling the web that has been the last few years, trying to pick through it all find some answers to unasked questions...
The thing about the past few years is... that it's a period of time where i'll always see the greatest of happiness and the greatest of heartbreak and lowlyness. It's hard to explian, harder still to explain are my feeling toward the other person, to me anyone else would have gone a long time ago. I never thought i'd ever experience a love so real and powerfull... however, that has now become a double edged sword...
Hearts change, things change, who we are as people change... i think for me, even though everything else has changed in my life, my heart has taken it's promise for forever quite literally... it's soemthing i can't fathom, i have so many reasons to walk away and let time erase those feelings... there have been so many reasons to let this love die... however my heart simply won't be told... in one sense i don't mind, it's always something wonderfull to love... however, on the other hand, when that love can never be returned or it's time has passed and the one you love has come to see you as the past, it makes things much harder than they need to be...
As for the tomorrow i seek, there are so many things i want to do, one of my favourite bands are coming to town in September, i am planning on going and i think it's going to be awesome...
I have decided that i am going to study when i get the chance, i don't know what i am going to study yet... aslong as it stimulates my mind and helps me on my way along the road out of here... i don't much mind what it is...
For the first time in a fairly long time i am looking forward to the future and what tomorrow may bring...
It's a nice feeling...
On that...
Take good care good people...
Nathan
June 05 Got to go to work...Got to go to work...
Our new stock line arrived yesterday... it took a B-Double to deliver it all... that's a lot of stuff in any language... we had to get some more shelves to put it all on... they'll be installed today... so not only will we be busy but we'll have no space to do it in untill the shelving people leave on Friday...
On a different note... i have slowly widdled my coffee intake back down to around three cups a day, i now only drink it at work, the rest of the time i drink tea... not exactly sure why i am drinking less coffee, all i know is that i am now less grumpy and get to sleep earlier... not sure if that has anything to do with the coffee or just an improvement in my level of optimism... who knows really... but it's good to be in a better mood...
Looking forward to the weekend... going to take my daughter Charlotte shopping again, we have so much fun browsing around... i think she'll be an awesome shopper like her mum one day...
Well... as it says at the top, i have to be off to work...
Have a great day, take care good people...
Nathan June 04 It's so quiet...It's so quiet around here early in the morning...
Quite s fog outside... that's going to make the drive into work all the more interesting...
As far as work goes... i'm exploring new avenues for perhaps a new career... i'm not sure what yet, all i know is that it's getting time to change... i've been doing the same thing for a few years now and i don't think that career pasth is where i want to go anymore...
I'd like something more flexible so i can have time to spend more time with my daughter Charlotte... or study, or both...
I'm sure it will come to me soon enough...
I have descovered one thing in my early morning routine... i do get more out of the day... however, i am still rather fond of sleeping in...especially in winter... tis rather cold at half five in the morning...
Take good care good people...
Nathan June 03 On a quiet morning...Out of bed quite early this morning... another day at work ahead...
If it wasn't for all of this rain it'd be a great new day...
I woke up with something new to tell myself...
I deserve a decent life... i deserve to be happy... i deserve to be loved...
And those things aren't going to happen whilst i am stuck here...
So i have to keep trying to move along and find where it is i need to be... Have a great day and take good care good people... Nathan June 02 One day...One day...
I can only hope that one day everything finds itself where it should be... that there is peace, love and happiness wherever this road leads me...
One day... i can only hope that i find what it is i've lost...
I hope that one day i get to find that special something, that special someone who can make the sun shine again...
I can only hope i get to find the arms i belong in...
One day...
If not... then i guess that's just the way it goes...
Take good care good people... Nathan At journey's end... (part II)This morning i finished packing everything i could for now...
All i have to do now is some paperwork... finalize a few odds and ends and that'll be that...
Then i can leave all of this behind... disappear and simply be... gone...
I want to get something off my chest so i have added it below... it may bring some reason to bare why all of this is happening...
I have reached the end of my teathers... i've grown far too intolerant to accept the way things have always been... far too raw and firey to allow myself to accept being jumped on for every single mistake i have ever made... that's the way it has always been, no wrong i have ever committed has ever been forgiven, every time i tread too heavily i am pounced on from up on high and reamed beyond all reason... so these days i am very much tired of being made to feel sorry for every little thing that i do... because in the great scheme of things it not only makes no difference at all but no-one has ever said sorry to me and meant it... no matter what anyone does to me, no matter what wrong people inflict upon me i have always been expected to suffer it in silence because heaven help me if i ever dare to bring it up ever again... it seams as though i not only get punished for the wrong i do but for the wrong people do to me as well... for all of the wrong, hurt and heartbreak i have had to endure in the past, no-one has ever tried to make it up to me, no-one has ever tried to make it right with me, no-one has ever cared enough to be sorry for what they've done...
I have given and forgiven far more than anyone could ever expect yet it never seams enough...
It is because of that and a few other reasons that i nolonger simply get upset, i explode... i come off my chain... because what does it really matter anymore? After all, no-one has ever held back their anger or held their tongue when it has come to me... so i fail to see why i should, or why i should care for that matter...
So for all of that and much more... the rest of the world can just leave me be from now on...
I've been pushed that bit too far... lost that little too much... been hurt that little too much... been unforgiven for far too long... been used that once too often... been made to feel sorry for everything i've ever done for far too long... forgiven far too much now to stay here and have everything held against me for even one more day...
It's time to leave...
Take good care good people,
Nathan June 01 At journey's end...At journey's end...
For some time now i have been on a journey that was intended to better myself as a person and bring about real change in my life and how i lead it... the original plan was for this journey to take 180 days, roughly six months all the while keeping a journal of my progress along with my hopes and aspirations... tonight at day 110 i made my last entry...
This journey is at an end...
I've tried to be a better person, i did as much as anyone could to make things right... i did as much good as i could... but sometimes you can't fix everything... sometimes it seams there is no right either... now there is little left for me to do... i have been prejudged and that's how it'll stay... i can't make good a situation that for all it's own reasons is perhaps better left bad... i can't ignore my heart... or change what flows in someone else'...
At the heart of it all... there is no way to undo the damage i have done to my life... everything i have ever dreamt of... everything i have dreamt i'll be is now to far away to ever claw back...
I'm caught in a place where everything is going to be wrong no matter what i do...
I can't hold on anymore... i can't have what i want... be where i want to... be the person i want to... now it's ust getting time to leave...
Tonight, with only my music for company i'm going through all i own and cleaning house, what's not going into the bin is going into boxes... getting ready to leave... don't know where i'll go... don't entirely care either...
All i know is... i don't have a lot to leave behind, not a lot left to lose... and not a lot of choices left either...
In 110 days i've come to lose everything... i've started again too many times to do it all again now... now it's just time to cut my losses and follow another road...
Take good care good people...
Nathan In the name of love...In the name of love...
All my life i prayed for a love... a love like no other... a love most beautiful... a love beyond time... a love that would truly be forever...
In the Autumn of 2004... a prayer was answered... an angel came to me...
A love like no other... a love most beautiful... a love beyond time... a love that would truly be forever...
Through the years... through the tempest... the heartache and misery...
Two hearts lay... apart... torn forever...
A love like no other... a love most beautiful... a love beyond time... a love that would be truly forever...
Every day... further and further away...
Every day... missing...
A love like no other... a love most beautiful... a love beyond time... a love that would be truly forever...
Now i pray... for forever to come...
Bring me a brighter day... bring me the end of love...
A love like no other... a love most beautiful... a love beyond time... a love that would be truly forever...
Above is somthing that came to me as i pondered where i am in the world today... trying to find a couple of answers to some really hard to ask questions...
It seams to me that for everything great and wonderfull i do... people tend only to take any notice when i allow myself to become ugly... i can't explain it, i can't fathom it. All i know is that no matter the love or care i have given, no matter the joy i have brung or beautiful things i have written or said from the heart, the only thing that ever gets heard, the only thing that ever gets felt, the only thing that ever gets taken to heart are the unkind utterences i have made in anger...
I don't know anymore... feels like it's always a bad idea no matter what i do...
It does feel at times that no matter what happens to me, no matter what anyone does to me... i am not allowed to get upset by it or be angered or be hurt or be anything other than thankfull... it certainly feels at times that no matter the things i endure i am just expected to keep my mouth closed and my thoughts and feelings to myself...
History will judge me poorly regardless of what i do it seams... so i am struggling right now to find reasons to care...
Everything has pushed me to the point it seams where i can't give any more... to a point where there are certain lines in the sand that just can't be crossed... where i've done all the giving in or compromising and there'll be no more... where i have reached that limit of just how much i am willing to tolerate...
I have been put through the wringer when it comes to my life... i have always been the one to give and in the end i lost everything on the whims of someone else... and when no one was prepared to do for me as i had done for them in the past i think for me it was the last straw...
I don't know where to go from here... i don't have much left in this world... certainly nothing really to lose...
So why should i always be the one give to make everyone happy if no one is prepared to do the same for me? Why should i always be the one to fight if no one is willing to fight for me?
Where is my reason to be the person i used to be if all that person was doing was being taken advantage of? Take good care everyone, Nathan |
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