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July 29 Some thoughts...Another slow Sunday to do some thinking...
Actualy there've been some things I've been deep in thought about for quite some time now...
I have been thinking about the past wrongs I've done, the mistakes I've made, those wrongs and mistakes have came back to haunt me, I realised this as I was watching my daughter sleep, as Charlotte was laying there asleep it suddenly dawned on me just how much I miss being a part of her life and how much I really have lost in the last year.
I then started thinking about the things that've come to be over the last few months, the implosion of the friendship that had been built between Charlotte's mum and myself, how a true chance for everything to be forgiven in time was shattered through eachother's determination to prove just how stubborn we could be.
I have come to realise that perhaps I am not truly over it, or over her for that matter, no matter how hard I try I just can't stay angry and I'd do anything to see her smile... I don't know why really, I just can't stand this wall of animosity being between us, we should be past that allready...
I just want peace and my friend back...
Take care, Nathan July 28 Now would you believe...Now would you beleieve...
After almost three years working for the same company I have moved on...
I have moved from Hadwen's Prestige Collision Repairs in Bowen Hills where I was the Senior Storeman and Parts Controller to...
Wait for it...
To...
Would you beleieve...
Euromarque Prestige in Fortitude Valley, they're Brisbane's dealers for the likes of Ferrari, Maserati and Bentley, they're most known for being The Alfa Romeo and Audi Centre of Brisbane. What's even better, I will be doing roughly the same job as I've been doing for the last three years, awesome really...
That's all the news I have really...
Take care, Nathan July 25 Blog updates...Today I spent some time updating my blog...
During the time I spent checking over my spelling I had a chance to re-read alot of what I'd written give it all some thought, it was really quite a depressing read, tho unfortunately you can't change history...
I hope that the year ahead goes better than the year that has passed...
I realised that yesterday is yesterday and that more and more I have been focussing on the future which I think is definately a good sign.
Till next time, Nathan
July 23 The end is in sight...After much struggle it seams the end is now finaly in sight, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. After much intense thought and planning the wheels are finaly in motion to bring an end to the conflict between the mother of my daughter Charlotte and myself... today I finaly finished all of the paperwork and now it will be up to a Family Court judge to decide...
Whether that is a good thing is yet to be seen, however it may bring to an end a very stressfull chapter in the whole saga that was once my relationship with my daughter Charlotte's mum...
Till next time, Nathan July 09 Late nights spent in thought...I have lost count of the late nights I have spent with my thoughts over the last few months...
I dont know if I've had all that much to think about really, simply many different questions that needed to be asked along with so many different answers that seam so hard to find at times.
Stress? I don't know if it is that, perhaps it has more to do with confusion, a conflict between being lost and stuck at the same time. Circumstances have left me with few options, and no way of avoiding some very hard bumps in the road called life.
Things keep swirling around me these days, things change so fast yet everythig seams the same, that may not make alot of sense, however neither does my life these days. I am sure in the end everythig will work out the way it should and the way I want it to, but the road there seams so uncertain these days, for reasons I can't quite make sense of I've totally changed the ebb and flow of my life, it seams strange and unforgiving, perhaps I've changed things so much there is no way back anymore to the future once promised, maybe that isn't a bad thing, all I know is that I will find out eventualy.
Perhaps I am in the need for salvation, tho I doubt my wishes would be granted these days, I am once more a stranger to the winds of fate, I can no longer tell which way the road goes, so much has become so different that there are no more signs left to tell me which direction my luck or my life is to go. I have become disconnected, not only from perhaps the rythm that runs through my life, but berhaps i've become disconnected in a way from my life, i've been stuck in the passanger seat for a long time and i've yet to find all of the controls and when everything seams so unfamiliar it makes it so much more daunting.
I've been looking at what I see in my future and for the first time I have no idea what I am looking at, perhaps that is the reason for the sleeplessness, I know where I want to be, what I want in life, but when I try and picture it in my future everything becomes distorted, so much seams missing, in a way it looks empty because I know it can never be the future that should've been, in a way tomorrow doean't seam to hold as much because it'll always feel wrong in some way.
Perhaps I will always feel out of place, not so much regretfull or reminiscant, merely tainted by the knowledge that I could never truly share any future success or happiness with the people I should be. I think I will always be haunted with feelings of guilt for what has come to be, for what has become the betrayal of my future and the evil of my past.
I know that great happiness awaits, but it won't be the same without the family I created.
Caught between the reality of my life, the things I believe in, circmstance and what could've been, I have cast now great shadows over everything, so much so I have no idea if the damage done could ever be repaired, I don't even know why I've allowed such damage to be done.
Losing my faith in love? I certainly have betrayed my own heart by hurting those I have loved most, only for the sake of what I believe in, for the sake of keeping a few illspoken promises. I know if love meant so much I could truly forgive, let ill feelings be and simply make right, make peace with all those whose touch have left their scars upon my heart. Tho I can not, not until all those who have come to hurt me so deeply feel remorse, feel sorry and mean it truly and as deeply as the pain I feel.
Revenge is a powerfull motive, so is hate, unfortunately for me and my life they've exerted an enormous amount of influence, have done so much damage, to myself and to those that in the end will always mean more than life to me.
Like everything however, change is... With the coming of the morning everything could be different, all that has come to be wrong could be undone, with a stroke of a pen life could be different, with the simple pleasure of a kiss everything could seam rather unimportant.
I think I will get back to this some other time, sleep is calling...
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