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August 06 So much to say...So much to say... Yet it is all meaningless if it falls on deaf ears...
Why is it that one step forward is often followed by three steps backward? Why do we all make it so hard on ourselves?
I could say that I was sorry a million times and still nothing would change, for a very long time I've felt sorry to the depths of my soul yet forgiveness was always too far away. In the last three years I've come to realise you can't be happy if you're spending all of your time saying that you're sorry and feeling guilty for everything and anything. Still, we can not change the past, only learn from it and make the best of what's to come...
In the course of the last few months I've perhaps taken things a touch too far, that I admit, I would take it all back in an instant to make everything right again if I could. There is no excusing the course of action that I've taken at times, however it takes two to make peace...
I feel that I have been wronged and I can not let people walk over me and believe they can do as they wish without some consequence, I've always been in my view a reasonable man and anyone that truly knew me would know that to be the case...
I would certainly never be so angered for nothing and no one who knew me would disagree with that, I would certainly never take anything this far if I felt it wasn't worthy or that I had no other choice.
Still, doesn't make me feel any better, I still miss my friend, we still fight every time we talk to eachother, if only there was some way to bring some calm to the hurt feelings standing between us, if only there was a way to take a step back and see...
See that for all of the ill spoken words, after all of the hurt over the years we're both still here trying to make peace... we're still as drawn to eachother as the day we first met for reasons we both can't see... If only we both could see the good in eachother, if we both could see that our tomorrow's will always seam strange without the other in them...
We've both been down this road so many times you'd think we'd find our way home by now...
Take good care, Nathan
August 01 Some more thoughts...I have a few more thoughts...
How do you tell someone that you've spent so long being at war with that you miss them? That you never intended for things to get so out of control? How do you tell them that you wish you could undo everything... How do you say sorry? And have them beleive you?
How do you make everytbing right again?
I think I'll always feel lost without this person and I would give anything to have them in my life again. I miss them so much it's uncanny, no one will ever make me laugh like they did, that I miss most of all. Till next time, take care, Nathan
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