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August 21 What price a year...What price a year...
The 14th of June 2008... one moment in time, a moment the whole world changed... That day my head was full of where i wanted to be, the plan taking shape...
It was time to move, time to run, time to leave everything and everyone behind and take a new road to tomorrow... Then, that night...
A familiar voice on the other end of the line...
A fool to go...
Lost in your embrance, a love returned...
From then there was no turning back, there had to be more...
Love... Destiny, unable to be faught... So here i am a year on... What price a year... I see through the you of now to all that you once were... The pain of unhealed wounds... A better man would have kept walking... Given no second thought, admitted his defeat and strode forth for love anew... A fool am i, attempt the impossible, reclaim a love long since burnt... *Sigh* A fool am i, a year on, still i cling to the impossible... A year on, a year to long... Take good care, Nathan August 20 Rant...Time for a rant...
What use fighting? I don't often ask for much, however, when i do it often turns into a fight in one way or another, now to be honest, it is really begining to piss me off no end.
A lot of things have that effect on me these days, i am getting to the point where i might just tell everyone to go to hell and leave me alone, it really isn't worth the hassle anymore.
There is my girlfriend, lovely as she is, she just tends to peave me no end, nothing is ever simple with her, she's passionless and uninspired, there is little fire in her and its killing it for me. Quite frankly, i'm just the sperm donor so she can have more babies and that's just how it is, if it wasn't for her over-riding desire to have more children we'd sleep in seperate beds. What else is there? The only thing she initiates or takes interest in is shopping and movies along with the occasional dinner. I stopped writing her letters and sending her e-mails because she couldn't be bothered to take the five minutes to scribble or type a reply. I can only take so much... Then there is my family, what a bunch of grudge keeping misguided fools, we don't talk to each other because we just couldn't be bothered and everyone is still pissing and moaning over things that happened 20 years ago. GROW THE FUCK UP PEOLE!!! Sorry, but really it had to be said. Maybe i need a break, or at the least something different in my life to take my mind off the BS that is over-running it. Take care, Nathan April 28 To be so cruel...To be so cruel...
I have come to a point where i can nolonger remain selfless...
I have come to the point where i can nolonger allow myself to gesture in good will toward another in a manner that i know will not be reciprocated...
I have come to give only what i know i will get in return...
I have begun to silently make my demands...
I have become...
To me it is a matter of principle, a matter of time, it was only a matter of time before i began to put some of the pieces of my life, of myself back together. With every passing day i get one step closer to getting to where i wish to be, for me it has a confused journey in circles at times, however, i believe i am starting to find a path out of the wilderness. This has only become possible through a slow process of convincing myself that i indeed am important, important even to me. I have along the way began giving some importance to various things in my life and things within me, giving them not only porpose but a sense of worth.
There has been a real conssequence to this, the way i have come treat other people has evolved to a new plane, after a life-time of giving of self for the sake of being selfless, giving to give purpose to the emptiness i felt in return, giving in the hope that it give some meaning, some sense of noble purpose to the darkness and sorrow that so often engulfed my world, life and self. After the life-time i have endured i have begun to refuse, to deny, to keep what i have to give, to value my own happiness, to ensure i give to myself, to give to others only what they're willing to give in turn. I once wrote of this a long time ago now, to me it is now a relief to see that progress made, to see that i have renained on course regargless of the circumstances surrounding my life.
I have begun to see the world, my life and the people in it in a completely new light, i have begun to alter the relationships i have with them, begun laying new foundations for new relationships to built upon, a new foundation stone for all relationships i have to be renewed.
This rebuilding has been a slow process, things have evolved slowly, however, i feel that i have found the path i need to take within my life and within myself to not only achieve my ambitions but also give back to myself the person i was meant to be, not the person i once was.
To me it indeed feels rather calculated and manipulative at times, to be so cold and measured toward the people in my life, to go so far as to deny my time, eneergy and affections to someone as those things couldn't or wouldn't be reciprocated does feel cruel. However, i can not say that i feel any remorse, i have endured trials in my life-time that have taken a heavy toll on my heart, body and soul, it is simply time now to make it all mean something, to make it all for something. To be so cruel, as indeed it may be, is merely the ony way i can be.
So much damage has been done over the years, i know that there is so much that can never be made right again, not only in circumstance but with me as well, there are things that simply always be as they are now as a result of all that has past.
I want to say that i will never trust again, however, there is someone i do trust, a friend who has become a brother, all others in my life however will never attain that level of faith as i have come to live guarded, my heart, my soul are now mine, no-one shall hold them again. I love, love truly, however, i still feel such a deep hurt that no love could ever undo and for as long as that hurt remains no-one shall stand so close as to bring me tears. This has become the truth of me, today, i belong to me...
Be safe, take care,
Nathan November 09 I hear a lot of talking...I hear a lot of talking...
I am at a loss to explain how all these words seam so meaningless, so hollow...
I am at a loss to explain why words fall upon deaf ears...
At a loss to explain why i still bother...
I... even tonight am at a loss to explain what it is i am still doing here...
Seams to me... no matter what i say, the words fall on deaf ears... no matter what i write, the ink shines for blinded eyes... no matter what i feel, my thoughts find no resonance... no matter what i hold to be most important, the principle is lost to those seamingingly without conscience or care...
I only wish to be respected, my thoughts, feelings and wishes to be so also... somethnig even now i am at a loss to explain why they fail to be...
I only wish to be of equal importance in thought, in heart and in kind... something that i know i am also failing to be...
I only wish to have my efforts, good deeds and generosity to be equally returned... equally rewarding...
I only wish to have my affections desired as i desire hers...
I only wish to stand on equal ground... something i know i am being denied...
I only wish to be as important to her as she is undoubtedly to me... something only actions can show... something i am at a loss to explain why i am still waiting...
There are things i can not let go... there are those things that must be... that must transpire before my heart can truly be open... before we can truly move forward from here... how she can remain so stubbornly blinded to this beggars belief...
I can be or do many things... i can not be a lover at her convenience only, especially if i am still left wanting nor can i continue to do the things i do if the effort or sentiment goes unreciprocated...
I do so much... give so much in time, thought and energy... to seamingly receive so little in kind... to seamingly be so little of importance...
Something that can not continue on without end... for there will be an end... sooner rather than later... something i am at a loss to explain why she seams unawares...
Perhaps sometimes it pays to listen...
Take good care good people...
Nathan October 26 When you've reached the line in the sand...When you've reached the lines in the sand...
It has been quite a while since i have felt compelled to write something here, though tonight i need to vent, to speak from my heart and clear my mind...
There is someone whom my heart has felt so drawn to over these past few years, through the laughter and through the hell i have been through in the name of love i have perhaps been blessed with one more chance to make everything right... yet... i can feel the coming storm, the past and the pain, the disquiet of my heart can not go unheard forever, there has to be some healing, some closure... or... an ending...
I want to feel a love unadultered... untainted by reminders of the yesterday i'd much rather forget... i know that can never happen if in my heart there swirls a deep river of painfull memories... i want to feel the warmth of love, to give and share... yet... no love can flow from the still weeping wounds of my heart... without caring hands to heal those scars i fear that there will never be the happiness love promises... when the beauty i behold inspires my deepest affections... yet... haunts so many bad memories... it must be her gentle hands to care, to heal... if this can not be, if she refuse... then she must let my heart go... I have drawn the line, i need to have faith... faith in her... faith in love... That can't happen if i believe that nothing has changed, that we're both still the same people... still doing the same old things... Share a dismal past... yet... differences being, i have admitted my mistakes... i have tried to make good on them, tried to learn from them in the hope of never making them again, in the hope of never causing so much hurt again... Unfortunately that can not be said in the reverse... far from it, it appears that i am confronted by someone who simply refuses to see their wrongs... who refuses to admit to their mistakes or see the pain they've caused... even worse... they've stood pius in their own self-judgement and refused to acknowledge the deep hurt i still feel over their actions and even make a token gesture of reconciliation... and apologise... That's all i want... that's all i feel i need to begin healing... If they can not apologise... show some remorse for their ill actions then what have they done? Nothing but inflict a pain that still feels as real today as it did yesterday... If someone can not admit thier wrongs... admit their mistakes and try and make them right, then what have they done? They've failed to learn... failed to care...
September 05 Nobody rides for free...Something that has been on my mind...
Don't expect me to try and explain it, because i know your not going to be listening...
I don't expect anyone to care, because i know no-one does...
Don't expect me to be there, because i know you wouldn't be there for me...
I don't expect you to be there, because i've become used to being shunned in my times of need... Don't expect me to care, because it has only ever been for nothing...
I don't expect anyone to say they're sorry, because i know some people see only their own wants...
Dont expect me to trust, because i know you see no wrong in the things you do...
I don't expect you to like who i have become, because no-one likes to see the damage they've done...
Don't ecxpect me to open my heart, because i know all you will do is break it...
I don't expect anyone to listen, because they've always got so much more to say...
Don't expect me to see it from your point of view, because i know mine means nothing to you...
I don't expect anyone to be here tomorrow, because no-one was here yesterday...
Don't expect me to believe, because i know you find it so easy to lie... I don't expect you to love, because i know you find it easier to wake up next to someone else...
Don't expect me to be sorry, because no-one has ever tried to heal the scarrs they've left in my heart...
I don't expect the truth, because it's easier for you to forget...
Don't expect yesterday to ever be right with me, because i can't forget the moment my heart died...
I don't expect you to forgive, because i know it gives you reason for the hurt you've caused...
Don't expect tomorrow to be different, because it's all about me today...
I don't expect for you to give, because i know everyone only wants to take...
Don't expect my forgiveness, because you'd have to show remorse before that could ever happen...
I don't expect a brighter tomorrow, because it's so hard to see here in the dark...
Don't expect me to give, because there is nothing left for you to take...
I don't expect you to understand, because it's not about you...
Don't expect my love, because no-one should be left without a chance...
I hope, that one day my name means something more...
Above all, i am me, you can take me as you find me, i can't say i care enough to try anymore, i love as much as i can when i can, i've been hurt so much that at times i'd much rather not have a heart at all. I am me, i give everything i have to get nothing in return, i have had everything imaginable taken away from me by the people who should've care about me the most, still i remain loyal enough to be there when they call, but that was yesterday, tomorrow is a different storey. I am me and i have been keeping score, i've been losing this game of love and life, now the clock has stopped ticking and that's not the ball in my hand, it's a hand-grenade and now it's time to play by my rules for a change...
I am me, if you don't like it, you know where the door is, i don't have time for people who don't understand you have to give to get, so if you're not here to give, you had better get gone...
Nobody rides for free...
August 19 Big Red Jacket...This winter has been rather cold... so i have been wearing my big red jacket, it's one of my favourites...
But... I got my big red jacket as a gift from a place where i used to work, i've long since moved on career wise but since wearing my big red jacket i've come to miss the old days, i've become nostalgic for filler-dust and paint fumes it seams... i think them old panel shop days grew on me more then i let on so now i am sitting here looking for jobs trying to figure out where to go from here... Quite a pickle indeed... So wish me luck everyone... Take good care good people... Nathan July 18 Been a while... (it's getting there)It has been a while... however, everything seams to be going well...
One thing i don't want to do is jinx anything... so i won't say much...
Have bee slowly getting everything where it should be... in the process of moving house and getting a new job... trying to get things headed in the right direction...
Still hoping to study in the new year yet i haven't made up my mind what it is exactly i want to study towards... but i'll get there...
I've had so many reasons to smile of late... certainly a pleasant turn of events...
So on that... Take good care good people... Nathan July 04 Cold weather...I may just be getting old... but this winter seams far colder than most i can remember...
I think it has more to do with being old...
It's been a week or so since i wrote something here last... not much has changed since then...
Just the same things on different days... Sometimes tho it feels like my whole world is changing but everything stays very much the same...
It's something weird and unexplainable... so i won't try... I'm happy, i can smile... that's all that matters... Take good care good people... Nathan June 22 Am i just confused?Why is it the moment you think you know what you're doing and where you're going... something seams to come along and turn everything up-side-down?
I ask myself if anything could change the direction i'm headed?
I tell myself... that my destination hasn't changed... that nothing has changed... that all i've found is a reason to smile while everything falls apart...
I ask myself... why now? Why not a month ago? Why add more bricks to the wall before you finally realise you don't want that wall to be there?
I tell myself... that was al yesterday and it doesn't matter now... i know that it's true...
Just doesn't make it any easier to carry those bricks is all...
I tell myself... that no matter what the plan hasn't changed... it's too late to change it now...
Then i tell myself... it doesn't have to change, it's just so nice to be smiling again...
I just don't know what to think... the past three months have been such a disturbed time i just don't know what to make of the here and now... perhaps i am just confused?
I know i don't want it to stop whatever it is... something is new, something feels so right i can't explain it...
On that... take good care good peple...
Nathan |
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